Guy vs. Guy

Guy vs. Guy (The Trent/Tom Debate) was a feature on the MTV websites, a debate between Trent fan Donald Jakov and Tom fan Eula Lation (actually written by Anne D. Bernstein). The name spoofs the comic strip Spy vs. Spy.

''Jane: Yo Daria, did you know some of our fans are still hoping you'll get together with Trent? And they like to rumble with the fans who think Tom's your dream man.

''Daria: Well, I don't want to burst either side's bubble, but can you hand me that red-hot knitting needle?

''Jane: Better yet, let's let them duke it out in the following chart.

''Daria: I'd suggest they all get a life, but I fear for what kind of life that might be.

ROMANCE
"Trent has the heart of a poet and more emotional depth than Tom, as clearly demonstrated by his selfless donation of bone marrow in my fan fic: "Daria, Daria, Whereforth Art Thou, Daria?""

"Tom's courtship of Daria is truly sincere, unlike the indecisive flirting of that poseur Trent. I've spoken to this in my 15-part essay: "Trent Lane: Stud or Evil Simulacra?""

SENSITIVITY
"Trent demonstrated his sensitivity with the pivotal revelation that Jane is upstairs in "Jane's Addition," as I argued at precisely 23:12:46 in the classic IRC chat of 09/21/00. I can't help it if my Sword-of-Zen-sharp wit causes the intellectually inferior (no names) to burst into tears. Plus how was I to know LawndaleGal's butt really makes noises when she walks?"

"Tom's consideration for Daria's feelings despite the tension produced by the Daria/Jane/Tom triangle is a clear indication that he himself has been hurt, and we all know by whom: Stacy's hateful cousin Marguerite, in my parallel-universe trilogy of novellas, "Stacy's Hateful Cousin Marguerite Comes to Lawndale and Daria Gives It to Her But Good.""

TALENT
"Trent is extremely talented as both a musician and lyricist. The producers are jealous of this talent, which is why they keep giving him such stupid lyrics and lame chord changes to play."

"Although few people realize that Tom writes inspiring epic poetry, it is obviously alluded to in the line "Hey!" from "Dye, Dye, My Darling." Also, there was a certain way he glanced down at his cargo pants in the uncut version of "Is It Fall Yet?" that clearly indicated that he not only designed the pants, he sewed them himself. Incidentally, don't bother looking for this scene in the pathetic version of IIFY the evil scum at MTV allow on the air. I have it on virgin Swiss videotape (best in the world), sealed for safekeeping in my family mausoleum. It was worth exhuming Grandma, believe me.

LOOKS
"We all know that Trent is a hottie, which is an idea I'm sure the producers got from reading my mind. Oh, they may deny it, but they also say they never read fan fic, and we all know they're lying--look how many episodes they set in the high school and Daria's house, just like our stories!"

"Tom has clean-cut good looks, which are far superior to Trent's scrawny physique and messy hair. I'm sure Tom's design was inspired by a crude picture I drew of Daria and Marilyn Manson in a gondola. They changed his look a little so I wouldn't sue them."

THE FUTURE
"Trent's recent eyebrow flickers clearly show that he's moving in a direction of more maturity and responsibility, and given the rigid timeline of two "real" years equaling 51 and 1/3 "Lawndale" weeks, as casually mentioned by one of the producers in a fanzine and then signed into law by President Bush, I think-- nay, I know--that wedding bells are in the offing for Trent and Daria in the "real" year 2035. I realize the show will not be on the air then, but I am currently circulating an exquisitely worded angry petition demanding that MTV produce a 3D CGI movie to tie up the loose ends. Eight signatures and counting!"

"Tom and Daria have dated, and I like happy endings. Therefore, Tom and Daria will get married. Tom is the only character on the show whose Season One personality has not been cynically betrayed by the producers in their stampede to bow and scrape to the great god Mammon, and that's only because he didn't show up until Season Three. So it's clear to me that the plan is for him to marry Daria and then administer electroshock therapy until she reverts to the "good" Daria of Episode 103, Act Three (see my essay "The First Two Acts of Episode 103 are Off Canon"), insulting and manipulating everyone while steadfastly refusing to budge an iota from her 16-year-old level of maturity. Anything else would be a complete sell-out! And if you evil drones of dark overlord MTV think for one second you can pull that on the fans, listen up and listen well: Can I have a job?"