The Big House/transcript

(opening theme song)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(a car pulls up to the curb; after a moment, Daria exits the car)

Daria (whispers) - Thanks.

(Daria tiptoes up the sidewalk to the door with her key out, while Quinn watches from behind a shrub)

Quinn - Hold it, young lady.

Daria - Funny.

Quinn - What are you doing out so late?

Daria - What are you doing out so late?

Quinn - What do you mean? I'm always out this late.

Daria - Then you can tell me how to sneak in.

Quinn - Well, for one thing, stop tiptoeing around like a geek. Have a little dignity, Daria.

Daria - If I had any dignity, do you think I'd be out here letting you try and teach me how to be cool?

Quinn - Whatever.

Jake (VO) - What's going on down there!

Helen (VO) - More threatening.

Jake (VO) - Let me handle it. Darn it, what's going on down there!

Helen (VO) - Jake, you sound like such a geek.

(the next morning)

(Helen and Jake are seated next to each other on one living room sofa, Daria is seated on another, while Quinn is pacing)

Quinn - Is this gonna take long? I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Daria - Oh? Is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall?

Helen - Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.

Daria - I didn't know I had a curfew.

Jake - Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...

Helen - Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...

Quinn - Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!

Helen - No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.

Quinn - Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

Daria - Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?

Jake - It can't be Jefferson...

Quinn - Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.

Jake - Really.

Helen - All right, girls, forget the input.

(Helen takes out two tablets; they look much like classical representations of the Ten Commandments, and are labeled "RULES")

Daria - Hey, does this mean we get to wander in the desert for forty years?

Helen - After much hard work, your father and I have come up with a set of guidelines I think we all can live by.

Jake - That's right! A lot of thought went into this. (whispers to Helen) Do I have to read these?

Helen (whispers) - Later.

Quinn - Wow, the new system seems really great and interesting, and I can't wait to sit down and really read through it...

Daria - Oh, brother.

Quinn - ...but right now, I sort of have to go. I have a date.

Helen - You can't go out on a date. It says right here that we don't permit that on a school night. Rule Eighteen.

Quinn - You know what? You're confused about my use of the word date. I have a date to meet with my... uh... algebra study group.

Jake - Oh, well, that sounds okay.

Helen - All right. But as per the procedure outlined in Rules Twenty-One through Twenty-Six, make sure you sign in when you get back.

Quinn - Yeah bye. And don't wait up, you know how study groups are.

Jake - Good for you, Quinn! Study hard!

Daria - Am I the only one who sees what's going on around here?

Helen - Rule Number One: persistent questioning of parental judgment is punishable.

(the next morning)

(in the kitchen, Daria, Jake, and Helen are dressed and eating breakfast; Quinn, still wearing her nightshirt, walks in and yawns)

Jake - (singing) There she is, Miss American Bookworm. (speaking) You really must have been burning the midnight oil last night.

Quinn - We weren't burning anything.

Jake - I mean your algebra study group.

Quinn - What are you talking about?

Jake - The study group you went to. The sign in sheet said you got back at eleven-thirty... but now that I think about it, I went to bed at eleven-forty-five. Hey, I thought you got that watch fixed?

Daria - A couple of times. (toast pops up) Prepare to be busted.

(Quinn looks in panic from Jake, who's clueless, to Helen, who's angry, to Daria, who's pleased at Quinn's predicament)

Helen - Quinn, were you at a study group last night or did you go on a date?

Quinn - Don't you see how your rules are strangling me? Yes, I went on a date, but we're in love, and all the rules and regulations in the world can't stop that.

Jake - In love?

Helen - With whom?

Quinn - His name is Cliff. Oop, no wait, it's Clint. I'm not positive, but I can find out at school.

Jake - You don't even know his name, and you're in love with him!

Quinn - You know what? You're confused about my use of the word love...

Jake - (points to tablets) Do you have any idea how many of these rules you've broken?!

(Daria turns one tablet over the other, hiding the text)

Daria - How many, Dad? And which ones?

Jake - Wha... what's that got to do with it?

Quinn - Argh! Okay, ground me.

Helen - I wish it were that simple.

Jake - Exactly. What?

(Helen holds up tablet and points to the words "FAMILY COURT")

(at Lawndale High)

(Daria and Jane are standing at the lockers)

Daria - So instead of saying, "Don't come home so late," now they've created some elaborate punishment system.

Jane - You mean like a spanking machine?

Daria - I mean like Family Court.

Jane - Due process? Yikes.

(Jodie enters)

Jodie - Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?

Daria - Are you kidding?

Jane - We'll take two.

Daria - What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?

Jodie - You weren't here last year, Daria.

(flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Rock & Roll Randy)

Mr. DeMartino - Argh! (clutches chest and collapses to floor)

Randy - (now in control of puck) Rock and roll, foreva!

Mr. DeMartino - Help... me...

(flashback ends)

Jodie - Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.

Jane - But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.

(cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet and doing sit-ups)

Mr. DeMartino - Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooouuur hundred!

(stops and hangs inverted)

Mr. DeMartino - Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine.

(he lights a cigarette)

(cut to hallway)

Daria - What are you saying?

Jodie - You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?

(Daria gives Jodie money)

Daria - I'm in.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(in the living room, Jake, Daria, and Quinn are watching television)

SSW Announcer - What do those Supreme Court judges wear under their robes? Declassified government polaroids, next on Sick, Sad World.

(Helen enters)

Jake - Hi, honey.

Helen - Are you girls ready for your day in court?

Quinn - Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life.

Helen - Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you.

Daria - But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic?

Helen - Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.

Jake - Jefferson!

Helen - Stalin. It's all about fairness, girls. That's why your father will make a terrific judge.

Jake - I get to be the judge?

(Jake pushes a large chair in front of the television)

Daria - Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to look like a geek." Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?

(Jake brings in kitchen chairs)

Jake - That's it, Daria. All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.

Daria - A lawyer? Mom?

Helen - Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going down.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(in the living room, Jake is seated on the chair in front of the television, Helen is seated on the sofa to the right facing him, Quinn and Daria are seated on the left, also facing Jake)

Daria - Let me start by saying that, while I respect the effort that has gone into this...

Jake - Oh, my God, I almost forgot! (grabs the coffee table) Sorry, councilor, the court requires this accoutrement.

(Jake drags the coffee table over and sets the chair on it, so that he is elevated)

Helen - Oh, for heaven's sake.

Jake - There. Family court is now in session.

Daria - Careful. Don't fall off the accoutrement.

Jake - All rise. (pause while everyone rises, Daria last) Please be seated. The court calls the case of the family versus Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer.

Daria - Dad, what is this?

Jake - Dad? I don't see any Dad.

Helen - You honor, may the family proceed with our opening statements?

Jake - Will you approach the bench please, councilor?

(Helen walks over to Jake)

Jake (whispers) - How do I look?

(Helen shakes head)

Helen - You honor, let me make it clear at the outset that this is not a witch hunt. Daria and Quinn are two fine girls who have often made us proud.

Daria and Quinn - But...

Helen - But that doesn't make them exempt from the simple truth that rules are rules.

(phone rings and Quinn runs to answer it)

Quinn (VO) - Hello?

Helen - ...or boundaries...

Quinn (VO) - Yeah, bye.

(Quinn comes back)

Quinn - Your honor, I have to go. I, um, made an arrangement to work, uh, on the school's adopt-a-highway prior to this court date.

Helen - But we haven't even called you to the stand yet.

Quinn - Well, I was going to plead guilty or whatever anyway. I throw myself on the mercy of this, um, honorable court.

Jake - The court grants you permission.

Quinn - Thanks!

(Quinn exits)

Helen - Now, then...

Daria - Your honor, I plead guilty, and place my faith in your wisdom, compassion, and your keen sense of fair play.

Jake - Well said. Grounded for a month.

Daria - What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late.

Helen - We have to set boundaries, Daria. Nobody said the justice system would be fair.

Jake - Actually, I think somebody did say that. Jefferson or somebody...

Helen - What have I told you about backing me up?

Jake - Sorry, the sentence stands. You and your sister are grounded for a month.

(at Lawndale HIgh)

(Kevin, Mack, and Jodie are talking together in the hallway)

Kevin - Man, this game's gonna be great! I say Mr. D goes down halfway through the second period.

Mack - That's too late. He's gonna blow out early in the game, while the adrenaline's high.

Jodie - You guys are so insensitive.

Kevin - What do you have in the pool, Jodie?

Jodie - Third period, two minutes in. Prime cramping time. (sees Daria enter) Hey, Daria. What do you have in the DeMartino pool?

Daria - I'm not going. I'm grounded.

(Jodie, Mack, and Kevin laugh)

Jodie - What did you do to get grounded? No offense.

Daria - None taken, especially since I'm just the victim of a bizarre experiment in parental justice.

Mack - An experiment? On you?

Daria - Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurisprudence.

Kevin - Whoa! That's a little twisted.

Daria - Yeah. The sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genetic makeup.

(Mack and Jodie laugh, Kevin looks confused)

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(the family is seated at the kitchen table)

Helen - Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?

Daria - Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.

Jake - Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?

Quinn - This sucks!

Helen - What have I said about using that word?

Quinn - That you'll ground me or something?

Jake - Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. (chuckles) I hear the judge is pretty tough.

(clock chimes)

Helen - See? This will fly by in no time.

(in the living room, Daria is seated on the sofa reading Herman Melville's Moby Dick while Quinn paces)

Quinn - How can you sit there and read a book about an animal? That's so second grade.

(Daria buries face farther into book)

(in the kitchen, Quinn is seated at the table and talking on the telephone when Jake enters)

Jake - Quinn...

(Quinn holds up hand)

Quinn (into phone) - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What were his eyes like? Uh-huh. Right.

Jake - Honey, I need to make a call.

Quinn - I'll just be a sec, Dad. (into phone) What about his hair? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Would you say his teeth were round or more squarish? Right. Uh-huh. I know, squarish is so hot. Now, let's get back to the six other guys he was with.

(Jake sighs and leaves)

(in the living room, Jake and Helen are on the sofa, Daria is seated on floor; they are playing Scrabble; Jake spells out "RATE" on his turn; Daria calmly adds onto that to spell "INCARCERATE")

(at the pizza place)

(Kevin and Brittany are seated at a booth)

Kevin - Then she said her parents are trying to change her generic makeup or something!

Brittany - They really should. I hate that generic makeup. It gives me hives!

Kevin - But it's so freaky, babe, I mean, she's weird enough as it is.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria is seated on the sofa again, reading, while Quinn paces, again)

Quinn - You know, the only thing actually worse than reading is watching somebody else read.

(Daria lowers book and smiles)

(in the kitchen, Quinn is seated at the table and talking on the telephone when Helen enters)

Quinn (into phone) - Really? You think that's going to happen in the next six months? That would be so great.

Helen - Quinn, I really have to use the phone.

Quinn - Muh-om! I'm sorry, but I think that learning about my future husband is a little more important right now.

Helen - What? Are you talking to that Clint person again?

Quinn - Who? No, it's my psychic buddy.

Helen - Hang up that phone this instant! Those calls cost a fortune! (takes phone from Quinn) I'm sorry, but I need the phone and my daughter isn't allowed... what? Why, yes, I was about to call a client. Really? I believe he was born in August... ooooh! (hangs up phone)

(time passes)

(Daria is in her room playing the harmonica; Jake knocks on the door twice, then opens it, causing Daria to stop playing)

Jake - Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.

Daria - Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.

Jake - I'm sorry, honey. You go on and play.

Daria - Thank you.

(Jake exits; Daria goes to the door and plays loudly)

(in the living room, Daria is seated on the sofa yet again, reading, while Quinn paces, yet again)

Quinn - Okay, enough already. I can't stand it. Can I please borrow a book?

(Daria hands Quinn a copy of Homer's The Iliad)

Daria - Try this. I think you'll get into it.

Quinn - Ha, ha, very funny. Now give me something that I can read.

Daria - No, I think you'll like it. It's about this girl who's so popular that everybody fights over her.

Quinn - Any horses in it?

Daria - As a matter of a fact, there's a great big one.

Quinn - This is a trick, isn't it.

Daria - Yes.

(at Lawndale High)

(Jodie and Jane are seated on the grass)

Jodie - Kevin's all weirded out. He says her parents have come up with some sick punishment that gives her hives.

Jane - They've been giving her hives for years. Look, I spoke to Daria. They're just sitting around the house. Come on, see for yourself.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Helen, Daria, and Jake are at the kitchen table, playing Monopoly; Jake moves on his turn)

Daria - Well, well. The little dog comes home to Park Place. Park Place with a hotel. Dad, I'm afraid you own me sixteen hundred dollars.

(Jake counts Monopoly money)

Jake - Uhhh, okay... let's see... one... two... eh, twelve... seventeen... I have seventeen dollars.

Daria - Any property?

Jake - It's all mortgaged.

Daria - Care to make a deal?

Jake - I'd need infinite free passage through all your properties...

Daria - I can do that.

Jake - ...five thousand dollars...

Daria - Keep talking.

Jake - ...and all your railroads.

(doorbell rings)

Daria - I believe we can do business. (gets up to answer door)

Helen - Jake! You cannot revoke Daria's grounding.

Jake - But I'm losing!

(Daria opens door for Jodie and Jane)

Jane - See? She's okay.

Jodie - I guess so.

Jane - Although the clothing would disguise any electrodes below the neck...

Daria - What are you talking about?

Jane - There've been a lot of rumors about what you've been going through.

Daria - It's hell in here.

Jane - When does it end?

Daria - I don't care. It's been too long already. I've paid my debt.

Jodie - You mean...

Daria - That's right. I'm bustin' out.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria is seated on her bed, talking to Jane on telephone)

Daria - I made a tape of my harmonica music, I can climb down the lattice in under three minutes, and I know exactly how often the neighborhood security guy drives by. It'll be tight, but I think I can make it. (call waiting beep) Hold on.

Jane (VO) - Yeah.

(Daria presses call waiting button)

Daria - Hello?

Helen - Daria, this is your mother. Would you tell Dad that I have to work late drafting a report?

Daria - You bet. Go get 'em, tiger. (presses call waiting button) Jane?

Jane (VO) - Yo.

Daria - (call waiting beeps) Hold on. (presses call waiting button) Hello?

Jake - Hey, Daria, it's Dad. Would you tell Mom that I've got dinner with a client tonight? A biggie!

Daria - Uh, I'll be sure to leave her that message.

Jake - Super. Bye-bye!

Daria - (presses call waiting button) Jane?

Jane (VO) - Yeah?

Daria - New plan. Come over and pick me up. I'll be at the front door.

Jane (VO) - Later.

(downstairs, Daria opens the front door)

Quinn - Hello!

Daria - Mom and Dad are taking the night off from being jailers, so I'm taking the night off, too.

Quinn - You're... busting out?!

Daria - The confinement has made me desperate. If I don't get out, I'm afraid I might do something crazy.

Quinn - Really?

Daria - No, I'm going to the roller hockey game. Are you?

Quinn - Oh, um, no. I'm not looking for any trouble, but you go ahead.

Daria - I suspect you have some scam worked out for yourself, but since I can't prove anything, I'm asking you not to rat on me.

Quinn - ("Godfather mode") Hmmm, okay, yes, I will do this thing you ask. But one day, I may ask a favor of you.

Daria - Never mind. (leaves)

(at Lawndale High)

(the roller hockey game is in progress in the gymnasium when Daria and Jane arrive)

Daria - Think anything has happened yet?

Jane - You mean anything cool? Nah, the ambulance is still in the lot.

Mack - Hey, look. Daria's loose.

Jodie - See? I told you she was okay.

Brittany - She looks fine, for her.

Kevin - I don't know...

(action intensifies on the floor between Mr. DeMartino and Rock & Roll Randy)

Jane - This could be it...

(Mr. DeMartino and Randy circling each other over the puck at center of gym)

Mr. DeMartino - Come on... take... your punishment like... a man!

Randy - I'm not a man, dude, I'm a rocker!

Mr. DeMartino - Why you... (takes control of puck and advances) Where's your rock & roll power now? Hippie!

(Randy whacks Mr. DeMartino's leg; he falls, clutching it)

Andrea - Yes!

Randy - Woohoo! Rock & roll power forever!

Mr. DeMartino - My knee! (gets up) Arrgh!

Andrea - Damn.

Daria - I don't suppose we can get a refund.

Jane - He could still have a heart attack. He tries walking on the bad knee, and the pain is so bad his heart stops.

Daria - Right.

Jane - Just trying to find the silver lining.

Kevin - They did mental stuff to her. I can tell.

Brittany - Nobody better try that on me!

Jodie - Yeah.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Quinn is asleep on the sofa, a book resting on her chest, when Helen walks in the front door)

Helen - Quinn?

Quinn - (pushes book off) Ugh! Get off me!

Helen - Where's Daria?

(at Lawndale high)

(Ms. Barch has Randy in a headlock and is punching the daylights out of him, to the cheers of the crowd)

Ms. Barch - It's payback time, Randy!

Jane - Hey, this isn't so bad!

Daria - Beats Monopoly.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria walks up the driveway to see a boy tossing stones at Quinn's bedroom window)

Tommy - Quinn! Quinn!

(Quinn opens window)

Quinn - Tommy, go away.

Tommy - But you said...

Quinn - You're two hours late, jerk. (notices Daria) Oh, hi, Daria!

(the next day)

(Quinn and Daria are seated on the living room sofa)

Quinn - Mom flipped last night when she found out where you went.

Daria - And how did that happen?

Quinn - I really don't know. Oh, look, here she is now.

(Quinn slips out of the room as Helen and Jake enter)

Daria - Your honor...

Jake - Haven't you already made enough mockery of our judicial system?

Daria - I just want to confer with my distinguished counterpart on the prosecution.

Helen - (warily) That seems fair.

(in the kitchen, Daria is seated at the table while Helen stands and leans over the table like she's grilling a witness)

Helen - You can't seriously expect me to plea bargain. We're talking about a repeat offender here.

Daria - Okay, the kid screwed up, but she's not a hard case yet. She could go either way, unless you send her back to prison.

Helen - Daria, it's our policy to be tough, especially on youthful transgressors.

Daria - But think of the effort you have to spend on incarceration. Scrabble... Risk... Monopoly... Operation.

Helen - I see your point.

(in the living room, Daria is seated on one sofa, Helen and Jake on another)

Jake - Well?

Helen - Your honor, the family has offered to settle. Daria agrees to parole.

Daria - I have to call in if I'm going to be in later than 7:00 PM.

(Quinn enters)

Quinn - So what happened? Does Daria have to pave the driveway or something?

Daria - I got off. Enjoy prison.

Quinn - Wait a minute!

Helen - Daria has proven that she understands the necessity for discipline.

Quinn - But you're sending me a bad message about whether I understand that... whatever you said.

Jake - Good point.

Helen - Well, we'll give you parole on a trial basis.

Quinn - Okay. If Tommy calls, tell him I'm on my way. (leaves)

Daria - Listen, this new rules things wasn't a total failure. (hold up harmonica) Would you like to hear some Junior Wells?

Helen - You know what? Why don't you go out and find your friends and have a good time.

Jake - Come home late. Ten-thirty.

Daria - Hey, thanks. (plays a few notes before leaving)

(at the pizza place)

(Daria and Jane are seated at a booth)

Jane - So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.

Daria - Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.

(Kevin enters and peers at Daria)

Daria - Kevin, I already told you, my parents did not conduct experiments on me.

Kevin - I know, I know, but seriously, now tell me the truth.

Daria - (sighs) All right. I had a magnetic device implanted in my head.

Kevin - I knew it! What does it do?

Daria - It attracts gullible boys.

Kevin - Cool! Does it work?

Daria - It's working right now.

(Kevin looks around for a moment before finally figuring out what Daria meant)

Kevin - Whoa! Dude! That is very uncool. (leaves)

Daria - There's no sadder sight on this Earth than a football player trying to think.

Jane - Who said that?

Daria - I believe it was Jefferson.

(closing credits)