Greetings netizens, especially you fetching on-line lassies. Although my reputation generally precedes me, I shall introduce myself nonetheless: I am Charles Ruttheimer III, charming Casanova of cyberspace.
Many of you were visitors to my previous Web site, Ultrasuave Universe, which was tragically destroyed by a virus slyly concealed within the now infamous SEXXXY SCULLY SNAPS attachment. Forgetting my normally cautious downloading protocol, I was artfully entrapped by this Mata Hari of computer code. Who knew that admiration of the female form could wreak such havoc?
Well, fear not, I am determined to slowly and methodically rebuild my pulchritudinous presence on the World Wide Web. The Hubba Hubba Hub will be even more daring, delicious, and alluringly interactive.
To begin, click on the feature appropriate to your gender. (I cannot be held responsible for what happens if you dare invade the enticing realm of the opposing sex: I myself once received a less-than-tender lashing when discovered perched at the window of a boisterous slumber party. The memory still lingers... Grrrowrrr!)
Wallpapers and quotes
"I do have a way with words -- and my punctuation is quite tantalizing as well!"
The quotes were .wav clips from the show, while the wallpapers are Upchuck's magazine Eyeful from "That Was Then, This Is Dumb".
The section for "ladies".
" Have you ever wondered just how feisty you are? I have designed a device so sensitive, so in tune with womanly vibrations, that it can detect your inner feistiness utilizing only the electronic impulses of the Web. Caress your mouse and click sensitively to see how you rate."
(The thing doesn't work on Wayback. WHAT A SHAME)
The On-Line Love Generator
For men, a way to mad-lib some chat-up lines.
" Have you ever found yourself out on the town, struck dumb by the beauty of a scintillating siren? You get up the nerve to approach her, but then find yourself tongue-tied at the crucial moment of contact? I would not know anything about that, being a master of seduction, yet I take pity on those less suave than myself and will do my best to assist you in your endeavor.
"Use my handy ON-LINE LOVE GENERATOR (patent pending) to compose the best pick-up lines on earth. They work for me, in the sense that they give me something to say before the shy minx scurries away, intimidated by the overpowering force of my larger-than-life smoothosity.
"Note: you may need to add a question mark, but there is no question that you will be thanking me in the morning."
Ultrasuave Universe was the website Upchuck had in "The Daria Diaries", also written by Bernstein.